The Completely Un-Accidental Way that Harry Hooked Up with Perry (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Perry/Harry)

If I became gay, and I mean the whole hypothetical ‘I did not just have a cock in my mouth last night’ big if, it would be his fault. One hundred percent, totally, certifiably his fault. Okay, so maybe eight percent my fault, but still one hundred percent his fault. Yes, I know that adds up to one hundred and eight. That’s how big this is. Really.

Who’s he? Damn, I thought we were both on the same page here. Haven’t you been keeping up? Him, he. There’s only one he I could be talking about. Like I’d really go around sucking anyone else’s dick. Ew. That’s just gross. Bad puppy, thinking such thoughts. I think I have to go wash my mind out with soap now. There’s only one guy I would ever, ever do… those things with.

What? Yes, I mean Perry! Come on, get with the program.

So, anyways, like I was saying, it’s all his fault. I didn’t intend to turn gay. ‘Really, your honor, his dick just accidentally slipped up my ass.’ And I’m sure someone, somewhere has used that excuse back when sodomy was still illegal. ‘I tripped and it just fell in. Honest.’

Don’t get me wrong, I love Harmony. I still do. Always have, always will – that sort of deal. But I don’t love her. I thought I did. She thought I did. Hell, even Perry thought I did, and his gaydar is just scary. I mean, really, really scary. If NASA had radar as good as his gaydar, fuck all those U.F.O.s, they’d all be I.D.O. Identified Domestic Objects. We’d know everything about them down to their cock sizes. I mean it.

Harmony and I, we tried. We really did. But dating Harmony…. Ever thought about dating your sister? Yeah, it was a lot like that. When the time came, when we actually got down to it, I mean to do it, we just couldn’t. Wasn’t happening, and man was that embarrassing. For both of us. And that’s how it ended. No big fight, no loss of limbs, just putting our clothes back on and calling it a night.